The Last To Let You Down

 That was the tag line from radio ads for a local funeral home back in the 1960’s!  I’ve posted a lot about funerals, and death, but I have some fairly humorous stories about funerals.  Here’s one.  At least I think it’s funny!

My friend Bob always said he was going to have business cards printed for me that read “Professional Pallbearer”!  I don’t know how or why, but I somehow became the “go-to” pallbearer in town if there was a need.  Once I tried to count how many times I served, but lost count at 34. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, people from church, even some I didn’t know!  

But one time I had to be pallbearer, grave digger, and undertaker all in one!  My great aunt Doris died around Christmas of 2012. She lived in Kansas City near her daughter.  She was a lovely lady and I thought a lot of her.  She had requested to be cremated and her daughter decided to wait until spring to bring her ashes to Utica be buried beside her husband.  

Sometime in late February or early March of 2013, her daughter Sylvia called me. (Sylvia herself passed away a few months ago.  She was one of the sweetest people I’ve ever known and I loved her dearly.) She had the thickest, slowest Southern drawl I’ve ever heard!  I answered the phone, “Daaaaale” (about 3 syllables worth!), this is Sylllllvia (3 more syllables!).  Would you do me a huuuuuuuge favor?”  It seemed that they had decided to bury Doris’s urn on top of her husband’s casket and use the other plot for Sylvia and her husband.  She asked me if I could dig the hole for the urn and see that it got buried.  What could I say!  My mother was listening to the conversation and she’s giving me “that look”!  The one that says “You better do this!” So I agreed to bury Aunt Doris.  

I called the guy who was over the cemetery to see if I can do this or if I need some sort of permit or something.  His reply was do whatever you want, I don’t care!  So I go up to the cemetery with an iron rod and hammer to see how deep Carl’s casket is so I’ll know how far I can go down.  I had about 3 feet I could work with so the day before the funeral, I dug a hole about the size of a 5 gallon bucket and wait for the funeral.  

The next day was the funeral. We had a nice service at my church.  Doris was a former member and she requested the service be there.  Afterward, we went across the street to the cemetery for the graveside service   The pastor read some scripture and said a prayer and a grandson hands me the urn.  I get down on my hands and knees and place the urn in the hole as respectfully and dignified as I can.  Now those of you who know me know that I'm not a small guy.  I’m pretty heavy.  After I place the urn, I get my fat ass up as best I can!  

Then the grandson hands me a small, white bag.  I’m looking puzzled and wondering what the hell is this!  The pastor is jerking his head toward the hole, so I get back down and put the bag in the hole by the urn.  Once again I get my fat ass up, trying to be as dignified as I can, but not succeeding!  On the way back to the church I asked the pastor what’s in the bag.  It seems Doris’s dog died a few months before she did and she had him cremated and requested that his ashes be put in the grave with her!  So I was gravedigger, pallbearer, human undertaker, and pet undertaker all in one day!  

I have more funny funeral stories I’ll share in another post   





 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Sweet Sixteen

 My granddaughter Mary Elizabeth turned 16 today.  I can’t believe she’s 16.  It seems like she should be 9 or 10, not getting her drivers licence! But here we are.   I told you about her parents, Stephen and Sara, and their “love at first sight.”   It was the same way for me the first time I saw Mary Elizabeth, hereafter called ME. It was a few minutes after she was born. The nurse brought her out to give ME her first bath.  All her grandparents were there staring intently with our noses pressed against the window!  The nurse held her up and she was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. My heart just melted.  I loved her instantly, fiercely, and completely and it’s still the same way every time I see her.   There was a time we thought we’d lose her.  She was born with a condition called craniosynestosis, where the plates in a baby’s skull that are supposed to float to make the soft spot, are fused at birth and don’t allow the brain to...
Read more

Update

 A while back, I wrote about the young man with special needs working at the pizza restaurant who touched my heart.   I hadn’t been back to that particular restaurant since, until today. I’m happy to report that he is still working there, still has the same positive, upbeat attitude, and is still spreading love to all his customers.   He came to get my salad plate, again, and I chatted with him for a minute.  Once again, it lifted my spirits and made me have a better day.   Let’s all be like Mike. Let’s spread love and joy wherever we can.  
Read more

It’s Gonna Be Alright

A while back, I told you about the blessing I received from the young man at the pizza restaurant. I want to tell you about another blessing I received.  At a funeral. About 7 or 8 years ago, I was in a bad place in my life, mentally, emotionally, physically, and financially.  I had neglected my business to take care of my father during his struggle with terminal cancer. After he died, I was faced with having to close the business. I had been through a nasty divorce that left me completely broke. My children didn’t want anything to do with me and I couldn’t see my granddaughter. It started taking a toll on my health, mental as well as physical. It was the absolute lowest point of my life   When I thought things couldn’t get any worse, Bill died. Bill worked for my father for over 30 years and had been a part of my life since I was a child. He was a good man and I thought the world of him. So the day of his funeral, I put on my best suit and went to pay my respects.  ...
Read more